Cry

Yesterday, I was overcome with the urge to cry.

I did not, but I am still feeling a bit rubbish.

Howard made an insensitive comment and I called him out about it and he just did not get it. I ended up blaming myself because he does not understand my emotions. I constantly feel invalidated with him. I felt this throughout our relationship but always rationalised it - he is autistic; he just does not understand. However, I am fed up with making these excuses. I know that he tries and I know that he cares... but it just sucks?

I am feeling pressured by social media. I have a lot of comments and messages that I need to respond to on Facebook and it makes me feel ... like I am a bad person. I do not have much of an excuse especially as I am just at home.

I was talking to a certain someone. I sent her a picture of the food that I made and my drawings. She sent me a picture of her decoupage and her food and it was... sweet. It felt like just friendship and that was nice. Then, I told her about my illustrating role and she told me she knew because she is involved in the project and some of the work that I am doing is for her. I felt awfully uncomfortable. Again, she has more power over me - academically, financially, in a matter of speaking. Sometimes she can be quite maternal. Treating me like I am a child; like I am her child. For example, when she went on holiday, she told me that I was the only student who she would respond to. When I am struggling, she says she can message me every day to remind me to take my medication.

Then the whole relationship feels weird again. Unbalanced. It starts to feel mo longer like a friendship, but like I am ... almost... I don't know? Bought?

I felt uncomfortable about the fact that I am the one messaging her first. I am the one asking her to call me and meet me. I am the one sending drawings. I am the one being sweet and kind. I am the one obsessing. But that is because the relationship is weird. She will be like, we should catch up every week, we should talk. Then she leaves me hanging. Then I text her and she doesn't respond and she is inconsistent and this just makes me anxious. It makes me anxious so then I overthink it.

I start to think that I am the one obsessing. I am the one who won't leave her alone. I am the one treating her like she is my mother. What if the relationship is making me feel uncomfortable because I am projecting stuff onto her?

It is also the time when she oversteps a boundary professionally. For example, checking my grade and taking me out to hobbycraft. It is sweet and it would be kind if we were just friends. However, again, it is the distinct feeling of not in power. Again, she is older and she has power over me and I think she tries to ignore that fact. But yesterday, finding out, that she is even indirectly, has financial power over me. It is just something else on top of the confusion.


Also, I feel uncomfortable about going back out into the world. Like, I want to take a temporary withdrawal but I am worried that the Psychology Department will just see me as an attention-seeking brat for claiming that my mental health is a big deal. For not just getting on with the project. I already feel anxious enough in that Department, being a black student, open about my mental health and being loud, calling out the Department, working. I feel like they all seem me as annoying and attention-seeking and I already feel uncomfortable there. I just cannot go back. I just cannot.