Intimacy

I am continuing to process my feelings around the break up with Howard.

I was talking to a friend a month ago and I told her that I missed the intimacy, not necessarily Howard. I cried. I missed being in a relationship. It was happy and healthy and safe.

My friend suggested that I did not really love Howard but I dismissed her. She said that it was the relationship, not him.

Of course, I loved Howard. His soul is beautiful. He told me all about his interests; Formula One and cars. He would talk with no interruption, smiling.

My friend was very wrong. I do not want just anyone. I partially still want Howard.

All that time, all the happy moments, they are not replaceable at all. All the time spent playing games, all the time talking. I could not and would not want to just replace it and pretend that it did not happen. We were happy. We were happy.

However, I think what is getting me now, isn't necessarily losing Howard. It is losing all that we shared together. It is the intimacy and the understanding that we developed with each other. It is all the things that we found out about each other, learning together about physical intimacy.

I still have Howard now, but I do not have what we had.

And that is what bothers me.

The fact that he can leave and build that with someone else as if this did not matter to him. I know he cares about me and cared about our relationship, he has moved on whereas I am still left with all these memories.

I miss the intimacy of the relationship. Of being so close to someone. Especially as he was there for me when I felt like I was drifting from the rest of the world.

Maybe that was part of the issue?