Let down

I would quite like to take a temporary withdrawal from my course. 

There are several reasons. 

1) Everyone keeps telling me that my masters will not produce useful research and I get why they think that; I am only a masters student. However, my research for my first project was actually good. No one knew my research was good because no one asked. They just assumed that it would be bad. However, my supervisor and I will be writing it up to publish and if we expand on it we can collect really good research. Not only that, but I also had good ideas. The project was driven very much by me. I suggested to my supervisor different hypotheses. If I stay longer, I can collect a good body of research and get published. I can really build this up into a PhD. Doing online research is helpful - but it could it would not make me stand out enough. 

2) There is so much that I want out of University career-wise. I had a great research assistant job with the Centre for Educational, Development and Appraisal research. It is a big Department at Warwick that does research with people with learning disabilities. I had a really good research assistant job lined up with them. On top of that, I could continue my associate tutor role, teaching seminars for maybe 2nd-year undergraduates as well and doing more teaching? This can really help me stand out. I wanted to apply for associate tutor jobs at the Arden University, Open University, and other universities. I want to get a teaching qualification for psychology - if it is possible - and if I get more experience, these universities may help me to do that? 

Additionally, I am also considering working in Higher Education. I want to be a student recruitment officer at University. I have experience in Higher Education, but the more experience that I get helps. Especially as a lot of the people who apply for such jobs are changing their careers. I can do both simultaneously and build up my experience in the areas that I am interested in. 

3) I have not got a job lined up for when I graduate. That scares me. I would be more content with several part-time jobs like this year, as opposed to a full-time job. Especially as I am figuring out what I want to do. 

However, there a couple reasons that make me reluctant 

1) I hate the psychology department at Warwick. The feel is horrible. I am a BAME student and so I feel like I stand out. I feel like I am in the midst of tension because of my job as a Student Experience Assistant. I feel a bit awkward around a certain someone. I just feel so exposed to the psychology department and I do not want to be their any longer than I have to be. 

2) I am more at risk. I will be financially independent of student finance. A proper adult. I will actually need to work. I am okay to work but the instability - wow... 

House mates

So, I am currently still living in my university house. This year, I have realised that I do not like one of my flatmates.

He ... well... he is... I guess, a  nice person. However, he does have his issues. In particular, he is controlling os other people. Very controlling.

He is always telling his girlfriend what she can and cannot do. Including when she should stop eating, whether she can go outside. He makes a lot of jokes about how she is "his woman." He cooks and cleans, yes, but he also tells her when she should. He acts as if the things that he needs to do, is far more important than her because he is the computer scientist going to make money whereas she only got a 1st in her English degree.

He is nice to her a lot, but damn, he can be a bit of s doshbag similarly.

The thing that gets me is that he is unaware. He isn't aware that actually, he is hurting her.

I have had many showdowns with him this year telling him to treat her with respect.

It is just a bit frustrating stuck with them in the lockdown. She needs to be treated better and I know that it is not my place, but when I am there, I have have have to demand that he treats her better. It is a toxic place to be in, but I spent most of my childhood feeling like I was the victim and ... I just cannot stand for it.

Cry

Yesterday, I was overcome with the urge to cry.

I did not, but I am still feeling a bit rubbish.

Howard made an insensitive comment and I called him out about it and he just did not get it. I ended up blaming myself because he does not understand my emotions. I constantly feel invalidated with him. I felt this throughout our relationship but always rationalised it - he is autistic; he just does not understand. However, I am fed up with making these excuses. I know that he tries and I know that he cares... but it just sucks?

I am feeling pressured by social media. I have a lot of comments and messages that I need to respond to on Facebook and it makes me feel ... like I am a bad person. I do not have much of an excuse especially as I am just at home.

I was talking to a certain someone. I sent her a picture of the food that I made and my drawings. She sent me a picture of her decoupage and her food and it was... sweet. It felt like just friendship and that was nice. Then, I told her about my illustrating role and she told me she knew because she is involved in the project and some of the work that I am doing is for her. I felt awfully uncomfortable. Again, she has more power over me - academically, financially, in a matter of speaking. Sometimes she can be quite maternal. Treating me like I am a child; like I am her child. For example, when she went on holiday, she told me that I was the only student who she would respond to. When I am struggling, she says she can message me every day to remind me to take my medication.

Then the whole relationship feels weird again. Unbalanced. It starts to feel mo longer like a friendship, but like I am ... almost... I don't know? Bought?

I felt uncomfortable about the fact that I am the one messaging her first. I am the one asking her to call me and meet me. I am the one sending drawings. I am the one being sweet and kind. I am the one obsessing. But that is because the relationship is weird. She will be like, we should catch up every week, we should talk. Then she leaves me hanging. Then I text her and she doesn't respond and she is inconsistent and this just makes me anxious. It makes me anxious so then I overthink it.

I start to think that I am the one obsessing. I am the one who won't leave her alone. I am the one treating her like she is my mother. What if the relationship is making me feel uncomfortable because I am projecting stuff onto her?

It is also the time when she oversteps a boundary professionally. For example, checking my grade and taking me out to hobbycraft. It is sweet and it would be kind if we were just friends. However, again, it is the distinct feeling of not in power. Again, she is older and she has power over me and I think she tries to ignore that fact. But yesterday, finding out, that she is even indirectly, has financial power over me. It is just something else on top of the confusion.


Also, I feel uncomfortable about going back out into the world. Like, I want to take a temporary withdrawal but I am worried that the Psychology Department will just see me as an attention-seeking brat for claiming that my mental health is a big deal. For not just getting on with the project. I already feel anxious enough in that Department, being a black student, open about my mental health and being loud, calling out the Department, working. I feel like they all seem me as annoying and attention-seeking and I already feel uncomfortable there. I just cannot go back. I just cannot.

Intimacy

I am continuing to process my feelings around the break up with Howard.

I was talking to a friend a month ago and I told her that I missed the intimacy, not necessarily Howard. I cried. I missed being in a relationship. It was happy and healthy and safe.

My friend suggested that I did not really love Howard but I dismissed her. She said that it was the relationship, not him.

Of course, I loved Howard. His soul is beautiful. He told me all about his interests; Formula One and cars. He would talk with no interruption, smiling.

My friend was very wrong. I do not want just anyone. I partially still want Howard.

All that time, all the happy moments, they are not replaceable at all. All the time spent playing games, all the time talking. I could not and would not want to just replace it and pretend that it did not happen. We were happy. We were happy.

However, I think what is getting me now, isn't necessarily losing Howard. It is losing all that we shared together. It is the intimacy and the understanding that we developed with each other. It is all the things that we found out about each other, learning together about physical intimacy.

I still have Howard now, but I do not have what we had.

And that is what bothers me.

The fact that he can leave and build that with someone else as if this did not matter to him. I know he cares about me and cared about our relationship, he has moved on whereas I am still left with all these memories.

I miss the intimacy of the relationship. Of being so close to someone. Especially as he was there for me when I felt like I was drifting from the rest of the world.

Maybe that was part of the issue?

Still me

I was a shy awkward teenager.

When I started University, I was a little girl in a grown-ups world.

I was a naive kid. I just wanted people to like me. I wanted to avoid confrontation. I just wanted to blend into the background and live an easy life.

Ha.

I have lived so much since then.

I have achieved so much; it is mad.

I went clubbing once.

I told James and Arif where to stick themselves.

I lost so much weight and then gained it all back.

I confronted the issues with my mental health and was honest with my family about the "real me."

I have been in therapy and counseling.

I talked openly about my issues.

I fell in love with an idiot.

I met lots of amazing people.

I lost many friends.

I have cried in public. A LOT.

I have been Edinburgh, Glasgow, Cardiff, Sheffield, Brighton, Oxford. 

I have a freaking degree lol. A freaking 2:1.

I got a job. I got several jobs.

I quit and told my boss where to stick himself.


I had my heart broken by that same idiot.

I freaking stand up in front of large groups and teach.

I have lived and changed so much in the past three years.


I am more confident. I am more open. I am more honest with myself. I am more social and take more risks.

But, I am still, very much a little girl in a grown-ups world.

Guess who's back?

So, I have decided to keep two blogs. 

This is just randomness. The other blog is well, polished randomness. 

This blog is just for you Bob. 

Stay tuned